The Humour Page

In Bed But Still Smiling

By Janis 

 

I have  been confined to bed now for two years.  I can't say it is a bed full of roses but my life still has its lighter moments.  It has to have for basic survival!  I must admit though a lot of is very black humour around some very basic but essential issues.

 

An embarrassing interview - on the bedpan!

 

Take the time I had to be interviewed by the local police while on the bedpan - okay so I know it is a bit unusual and possibly a bit unorthodox, but it happened much to my horror and later to my amusement.  I often wonder if the policemen involved had any idea of what was going on underneath my duvet.

 

Let me explain.  I had a workman in the house who had been hammering laminate flooring all day.  I told him that it was quite all right for him to come and speak to me but asked him to knock the bedroom door and wait for me to ask him in.  He didn’t quite get this and every time he came to speak to me he knocked the bedroom door as he was opening it.  As you can imagine, trying to use my bedpan myself under these circumstances was a bit of a nightmare.

 

Try whilst I might there was no way I could wait until my carer came, so I would have to quickly get on the bedpan and pray that he wouldn't come in.  I had managed to do this successfully about three times that day and was just getting a bit too sure of myself, a good indicator that things are going to go wrong – and they did!

 

I managed to get on to the bedpan but no sooner had I done that the door rang.  I answered the intercom to be told in a very professional voice that it was the police and they wanted to interview me NOW.  I looked at the window I could see three policeman at my door, quite an intimidating sight.

 

My brain is not at its best when I have to think quickly, therefore I panicked. All I could think was they meant NOW and I didn’t fancy my chances of explaining what the delay was.  Added to that thought was that if I didn’t let them in, the workman would be through anyway to see what the problem was. So I decided my best option was to make sure my duvet was covering me on the bed and to let them in.

 

In walked two big policemen who seemed to tower over me, joined by this time, by the workman who had stuck his head around the door to join in with the fun and games.

 

They explained there had been a series of murders in the area and asked me if I had seen or heard anything unusual in the last week in this area. The response that wanted to come out was no but you certainly have, but I managed to control the urge to giggle while getting even redder the face and explained that  I had not seen or heard anything unusual. 

 

I thought that would be the end of it but no, one of the policeman sat down and made himself comfortable to ask me a bit more about what I had heard and seen in the street.  I told him nothing and that a lot of the time I was actually asleep.  He then asked me to show him round the garden and the shed. I managed a polite laugh and suggested he feel free to have a look himself. They did that, then disappeared down the street much to my relief.

 

I then took a deep breath and decided to get myself off the bedpan and make myself decent once again.  I was just about to start when this workmen came back into the bedroom to have a little gossip about all the police activity in the area.

 

How I ask you can you manage to look innocent under those circumstances?

 

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